The Intersection between Self-destruction and Self-compassion



Self- reflection has been a major theme in my life, the past 3 years, my desire for learning and becoming (the word "becoming" should be a full sentence in my opinion") has ignited my curiosity for understanding the world around me and my perception of said world and how all of that intersects with all the different sides of my identity. 

I think the main reason I desire for more understanding of self is because of the undergoing of suffering I have experienced in the past few years, the deaths, the loses, the triggering of trauma I didn't even know I had, and-and-and... Being someone who is so ardent about self-reflection it became trivial for me to sit and ask myself the hard questions: "Are you contributing to your sufferings? And if so what are you going to do about it?"

Those questions have been very important for me to ask myself in order to come to a place were self-awareness is the center of my growth. With those questions came answers; "yes, I am contributing to my suffering by cultivating self-destructive ways". But those questions also triggered more questions; "What exactly are my self-destructive tendencies?" "Where do they come from?" "What triggers them?" "What can I do to eradicate this behavior ect."

Some of my many self-destructive behaviors have been my tendency to be a people pleasure, impostor syndrome and self-doubt. These things came no further than my environment and the thing I consume.... Of course for many things there has been actions I have been able to take short-term to solve or help me eradicate those behaviors but the most difficult part has been the long-term solutions.

Eradicating behaviors that required long-term solution or slow progress (doing helllaaaaaa work just to see very small progress) has been crushing , simply because, like many, I had such a idealistic view of my environment, so much so, that when I found radical and pragmatic answers to my questions, it felt like I was betraying my environment and the beliefs systems that came with it (People pleasing was a very self-destructive behavior for me clearly). The guilt I felt for this perceive betrayal (I am such a loyal person so it felt like the end of the world lol) only brought a feeling of guilt and shame that wasn't serving the person I am becoming. 

Learning those things was hard (!!!) but the thing that saved me is my resilience in showing myself compassion, which I truly believe lays under the "Self-Love" umbrella. Could you imagine being in constant agony because of the transformation of one person to another, and NOT showing yourself compassion? That sounds draining to me lol.

Yes, I can be problematic and yes society, family, the media and every exterior factor is a contributor to both the good and the bad sides of myself but I refuse to beat myself up for it because I acknowledge that there is a duality (in literally everything), things are way complex and can't always be simplify. I am still a work in progress just like any other but any form of growth should be celebrated. 

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So the other day I was a very good mood which caused to reminisce on the past versions of myself (specifically the last 3 years) in compassion to the person I am today. Originally, I recorded this for myself, to keep as a reminder when in need, as some sort of “journal entry”. For years now, I have practice “Journaling” whixh takes the form of words, voice notes ect., it has helped me to re-center myself in my times of needs. Hence why my ideas are all over the place (also I’m camera-shy, believe it or not, so it made me kinda nervous to try this new style of “journal-entry”). However, after sharing the video with on my girls, she convinced me to post it. So here you go, a little self-reflective ramble about self-destruction/self-inflected pain and it’s intersection w/ self-compassion 🖤 (Lashes: @_elevenbeauty)

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